My Dearest Mary Ann’s:
I have a confession to make. Despite all of your faults, I love you. No, we love you. Your loyal cliental–past and present–are more than happy to look past your numerous flaws, your general lack of cleanliness/functional restrooms, and your incredibly outdated interior. Why? You represent youth. You epitomize good times. You stand for all that a great dive bar should, and we love and respect you for that.
Some say you aren’t attractive because you don’t have windows. Who cares? I’ve always preferred your mood lighting (is that due to the mold on the ceiling lights?) anyways. Others argue that your bathrooms are insufficient due to their layout (urinal, urinal, rogue toilet in the center of the room). Why listen? I’ve always enjoyed a good walk to the Dunkin’ Donuts next door if nature calls. Countless more warn not to drink anything out of glasses from the bar because of the obvious fact that they aren’t washed between uses (dunk them in the sink!). Let that bother you? Doubtful. Just offer up Brubaker bottles at the absolute cheapest price in town. Don’t let the trash talkers bring you down. You represent everything that the greatest dive bar should. I hope you never, ever change.
I don’t get to see you too frequently these days, but you’ll always own a special place in my heart. No, our hearts. You never let us down with your Hoop Fever, Big Buck Hunter, random lines on Tuesday nights, and lack of electronic payment methods. We–the people of Boston–thank you for all you have been, currently are, and will continue to be; the best dive bar in the city. I know that others passionately agree and will #voteMAs.